


feelings will complicate any and all heists

by winchesterbo0ty



Series: Theon & Jeyne — con artists in space [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Firefly AU, Alternate Universe - Space, Fake Marriage, Fuck Ramsay, Idiots in Love, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Past Violence, Pining, Ramsay Bolton is His Own Warning, Robb Stark is a Gift, Theon and Jeyne are brotp, Theon and Jeyne are con artists, fast burn, no I don’t take any criticism, thieves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:48:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22571272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winchesterbo0ty/pseuds/winchesterbo0ty
Summary: It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. The plan had been simple, and the same as usual: Jeyne poses as the Captain's new wife, and Theon as her overprotective brother, one of them seduces her spouse, then they steal whatever they can and make a clean exit.But Jon Snow just had to be honour incarnate, with a dashing Robb Stark ready to sweep Theon off his feet, and Sansa just was too kind to the both of them.God, being thieves was supposed to be easy.Firefly AU
Relationships: Arya Stark/Gendry Waters, Bran Stark/Jojen Reed, Jon Snow & Arya Stark, Jon Snow & Arya Stark & Bran Stark & Rickon Stark & Robb Stark & Sansa Stark, Jon Snow & Robb Stark, Jon Snow & Samwell Tarly, Meera Reed & Bran Stark, Meera Reed & Jojen Reed, Theon Greyjoy & Jeyne Poole, Theon Greyjoy/Robb Stark, past - Ramsay Bolton/Jeyne Poole, past - Ramsay Bolton/Theon Greyjoy/Reek, past - Theon Greyjoy/Ramsay Bolton
Series: Theon & Jeyne — con artists in space [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624081
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	1. Jon Snow has a wife, and Robb Stark might fancy her brother

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally based on two episodes of Firefly but I needed it so I wrote it. Sue me.  
> It’s expanded a bit from the two episodes bc we need feels so this work will be the first ep, then the sequel will be the second ep.

"Who are you and what the hell are you doing on my ship?" The Captain growled down at Jeyne. She couldn't help collapsing in on herself at the sign of aggression, even if she knew Theon would never allow this man to hurt her. Not for all the wealth of a core planet, he had promised. And how could she not believe him, after everything he had done. "Tell me your name and why you're hiding back here."

Jeyne let her eyes water, "I-I-" she started off hesitantly, watching his eyes soften. Jeyne has perfected this act years ago. "I'm your wife, sir."

Captain Snow recoiled in shock but kept his hand firmly wrapped around her thin arm. Just as she was about to release a cry of "You're hurting me" and no doubt watch his grey eyes widen further in shame, a voice called out from behind her.  
Theon. 

"I'd ask you to stop manhandling my sister, she looks as though her arm will break if you grip it any tighter," he paused, adding a half-assed "Captain."

The Captain did no such thing, but his grip lessened considerably. Smart. "Then tell me why the two of you have stowed away on my ship."

"As your wife, my sister is bound by duty to your side and, as my kin, I am bound to hers."

"She's not my wife." The Captain protested firmly. "I'm not married."

Jeyne spied two figures in the doorway, a rounded man in what must surely a Maester's robe and a girl some years younger than herself carrying what appeared to be a gun. A very large gun. Jeyne tuned back into the conversation, deciding to step in as her 'new husband' grew increasingly frustrated with her 'brother'. She laid a gentle hand on his, where it rested on her arm. Wrapping long, thin fingers around his, she confirmed Theon's story. "We are wed, by the Old Gods and the New." Her murmurs did not soothe him, and he pulled away. 

"You're not my wife, we are not married, and we will turn this ship around right now and take the two of you home. This has been a horrible misunderstanding."

Jeyne forced tears to her eyes easily, and felt Theon pull her into a warm embrace when she bit her lip to stop its fake trembling. A fantastic show, she thought, certainly one of their best yet. A small squeeze on her right shoulder told her it was working, and that Captain Snow was brimming with enough pity that he switched his protests to apologies.

"Arya," she heard him mumble, "call Robb down."

A girl's voice replied through the PA system, and Jeyne was certain she could her the smirk in the girl's voice, "All personnel to the cargo bay."

"I said Robb, not everyone."

"But you're my brother and we have to celebrate your special day. Sansa would kill us both if she missed this."

Captain Snow grumbled, but made no move stop his crew from seeing the mess he had gotten himself into. A close crew with a lenient leader, that's good to know and she could tell that Theon was making the same mental notes. The crew trickled in as Theon argued against Jon's protests regarding his new wife. Once Jon finally lost his temper, she let out a deafening sob and fled from Theon's arms, running past the crew. He sent a final glare to their new Captain, and followed closely.

"I didn't get married!" Jon cried out, even though no one had listened when he said it before. Multiple times.

"Of course you didn't." Robb reasoned, lowering the volume in the room. Jon nodded a thank you, but his brother wasn't finished. "But you have a wife now."

Traitor, he mouthed, watching his second grin at him. The noise started up again, and Jon had to shout in an attempt to be heard over it. "I didn't get married."

"I think you might've."

Jon turned to Sam, who carried a large brown book and had apparently only just entered the room. "What?"

"According to Saffroni customs, a wedding ceremony must involve the groom accepting a flower crown, made and gifted by his bride. I definitely remember that."

Jon remembered that, he'd been drinking with Arya when a girl had danced past and placed a crown upon his head. She had mocked him mercilessly but the girl looked so nervous, he couldn't remove it. Was that the same girl? He couldn't remember through his drunken haze. 

"And the couple must drink from a shared cup, I remember that too."

Finally, the crew had shut up but he wished they had never ceased their shouting. At least then, there was a chance he could've left the room unnoticed.

"...Fuck."

Theon held in his congratulations when he found Jeyne, they both knew better than to drop their pretence whilst still aboard Winterfell. "It'll be alright, sister." He masked his information with a reassuring tone. "The Captain seems kind enough, although rather easy to rile up. You could see him listening to his crew. And you know I would sooner strike him down than let him harm you."

Jeyne nodded, "I know, Beric. And he looks to be a competent Captain."

Beric was the alias he used this time, and she would be Alannys. It was a tradition of theirs, to name one another. Beric had been some fighter Jeyne had fancied as a girl and she had thought it amusing to have Theon answer to the name. Theon, however, had given Jeyne his mother's name — Lanny, not Alannys, because Lanny had been the woman to laugh with Uncle Rodrick, and Alannys had lost a part of herself with her eldest sons.

"Aye, and he shall be a decent husband."  
Code for: we can still take his stuff, no problem. 

Admittedly, the scene was rather sweet. Jon's new wife looked so small in the embrace of her tall, lithe brother. Her tall, lithe brother who was exactly Robb's type and watching the dark man comfort his sister was doing things to his heart that wasn't appropriate for the time. He didn't really want to interrupt, but someone needed to apologise and Jon was to busy throwing a tantrum to do so himself. Before Sansa could elbow him, he cleared his throat and waved a little. "Hi, I'm Robb and this is Sansa." He pointed to the two of them. "And we're really sorry about our brother's behaviour, he's under a lot of stress right now but I'm sure he'll come to terms with everything." 

Lanny, he thinks her name was, turns to him hesitantly and gives a wavering smile through watery eyes. Her brother was not so silent about it, "He better, because I would be more than happy to strangle the broody bastard." 

Robb grinned, laughing, "Well, it's a pleasure to meet the two of you, whatever situation we find ourselves in. If you'd follow us, we'll take you to your room."

"Room?" Lanny whispered, with what Robb could only call nerves.

"You'll have to bunk together, I'm afraid. Limited space and all that, but it's nice enough." He explained, keeping as friendly as he could. "And if you need anything, Sansa is happy to help."

Sansa finally took a step forward, linking her arm with Lanny's and gently pulling her from her brother. "I'll take you now, the boys can follow behind."

Lanny giggled a little. Good. Winterfell would be lonely if the girl only had her brother and an unwilling husband for company. 

With their sisters a few steps ahead, Robb took the time to ask. "I'm so sorry, but I never caught your name." 

"I didn't throw it." Robb frowned, afraid he had insulted their guest, sighing in relief once it was revealed to be a joke. "Calm down, man. You can call me Beric, and she'll be Lanny."

"Pleasure to meet you then, Beric." Robb held a hand out, and felt his heart skip when the stranger grasped it firmly. With the man's thin fingers interlaced with his, Robb was even more certain than before about Beric. The name didn't quite seem to fit, it seemed to harsh for him, even if the owner of the name was all sharp smirks, pointed words, and angled bones. He noted the missing fingers, how could he miss them, but Robb blushed when his first thought was ‘how many fingers does a man really need to jerk off’. 

“Pleasures all mine.” Beric smirked at the blush, but said nothing.


	2. I guess they can stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeyne tries to make sure they aren’t put at a disadvantage just because Captain Snow has delusions of honour, Theon doesn’t do much, and Robb’s heart is beating pretty fast for pretty people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t format stuff so I give up with that

"So, Lanny, this is your room. It's got bunks for the two of you, and I'm just next door if you need me."

Jeyne nodded, mumbling a "Thank you." She watched Sansa smile prettily, forcing out her next sentence with a practiced hesitancy. "And, if I may ask, where does Jon stay?"

That pretty smile flickered. "He's down the corridor, towards the cockpit. Jon and Robb are both further down, seeing as Jon is Captain and Robb is his second, their rooms are a bit bigger and a bit nicer than everyone else's but we're not supposed to intrude anyway." 

Jeyne nodded shyly, a light blush painting her porcelain cheeks. She noted the information in her mind, watch out for Robb, tell Theon so he can have some fun, and corner Jon in his bedroom later. Easy enough. And, an added benefit, was that Sansa was revealing more than she should to a stranger. _'Sweet summer child,' _a familiar voice whispered and Jeyne failed to recognise it. But her heart warmed with those words, treasuring the girl's naivety.__

___'I was that naive once, when I was a girl. It's hard to believe now that there was ever green in my eyes. Winter came for me long ago,' _she thought, _'I was young and it had no pity. He had no pity for that girl.'_ ____

__

___Ah, that was a voice she recognised. ____ _

____Sansa squeezed her hand gently, and it took Jeyne a moment to realise that she had lost herself within her mind. "Lanny, Jon is a good man. I know it's not ideal for either of you, but I hope you and Beric can both be happy as long as you are with us."_ _ _ _

____Then Theon's voice joined the conversation in her head, _'We'll enjoy it better once we've taken it'. _Withholding a giggle, she smiled and nodded. "I hope so too."___ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

_______Robb was adorable. Really. ____ _ _ _ _ _

________And it wasn't just his copper curls and bright blue eyes — although that was certainly part of it — his entire demeanour was similar to that of a puppy. His smiles were charmingly boyish and wide enough that it tugged at your own lips and you believed it to be genuine, Theon hadn't smiled like that in a long time. He had forgotten that comforting ache in his face while the rest of him carried a far worse pain. Theon remembered a time when he didn't smile at all. He'd lost most of his pretty white teeth, but these new ones worked well enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"How old are you two anyway?" Robb asked, a bounce in his step. "Not that I think you look old, I'm just asking. I'm twenty-four, incase you were wondering."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There was that too. Robb was a people pleaser, and Theon liked it when people wanted him to like them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Twenty-eight, Lanny is twenty-one." That was true at least, and practice meant that Theon didn't even stumble over the lie of Jeyne's name._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Asha had asked about that once, how could they be so comfortable leaving behind their own names to be whoever they were told to be? ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"Sansa's age, I imagine it's nice to have someone her own age about."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She didn't understand, of course, but he remembered her face contorting in pain at his answer: _'I haven't been allowed to keep my own name in years, I don't care what I'm called so long as it isn't Reek.' _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Even the thought of that name started the chant in his head. _Reek, Reek, it rhymes with weak, meek, it rhymes— no— _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He raised his eyes to meet Robb's gaze, a practiced grin on his lips. And yes, his authentic looking teeth were on full display. Robb blushed, and Theon's grin softened, becoming a little more real._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________'I know my name, what does it matter whether everyone else knows it too?' ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Okay, so maybe Jon was right when he used to tease him about falling in love too quickly. But what Jon had never understood was that the heart doesn't care about timings. However, when Robb's heart beat harder at Beric's crooked smile than it ever had before, even he had to admit that he fell hard and fast with little to no consideration towards anyone's well-being. Including his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________But then again, Beric was effortlessly charming and it wasn't Robb's fault that he fell for that... _Right? _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________And it wasn't any of Jon's business anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________His face ached but nothing could stop him from beaming across at Beric until they reached the siblings' new quarters. He spied Sansa kissing Lanny's cheek softly before turning to go, and he wished he was that brave. He didn't see Beric smirk at him, then adopt a confused facade. "Is that customary for your people?" Breath fanned over Robb's neck and he almost swooned. "I wouldn't want to offend anyone."  
Without allowing Robb time to answer, which could've gone either way, Beric leaned down and placed a brief but firm kiss on the corner of his lips. His mind froze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"Like that?" Beric whispered, still incredibly close to his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"Hmmm."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Beric smiled and withdrew, "See you later, Robb."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________Hmmm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Jon may have been avoiding both Lanny and Beric since their arrival. There was nothing wrong with that, he just didn't want to deal with the problem._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________And if he didn't know any better, he'd of thought that one of his siblings had conspired with his 'new wife' to corner him. Unfortunately for his siblings, Jon rarely knew better._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you, or that someone wouldn't want you for a wife. I'm just saying that I wasn't aware you would be mine and that it's probably the best thing for everyone involved that we get this 'marriage' annulled and drop you and your brother off on a nice, nearby planet."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Being the bad guy was so much harder when Lanny looked at him like that. Her eyes were wide and glassy and aimed at the floor, and Jon was terrified that she would burst out crying again. He was also dreading encountering Beric again, because Beric was an ass but he was Lanny's brother, and Robb seemed overly fond of him already._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It took Lanny sometime to communicate with him other than the insistence that she really was his wife now. "What's it like? On those planets, I mean."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________'Thank the gods,' _he thought. Her voice may have sounded small and vulnerable, but there was nothing to indicate oncoming tears.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________"They're nice places to live, I think. Small, tight knit communities. You know, you and your brother could probably run your own farm. Or an inn, if if suits you better."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________The girl's eyes dropped to the floor, voice pondering the idea so quietly Jon could hardly hear. "Our own place? Farm or inn." Lanny seemed to like the idea._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________"Whatever you want." He assured, giving her arm a gentle squeeze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Lanny seemed to shake out of the idea then, meeting his gaze. "And what if I want to be your wife. _Here. _On your ship."___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________"I can't be your husband, Lanny. But I swear that we'll look after you until we find a good place for the two of you. Okay?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________The young woman pursed her lips, her silence made him uneasy. When she finally spoke again, her words didn't comfort him. "How long until you find a good place?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________"Probably a week, maybe more, maybe less."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________"Then let me be your wife." Jon moved to protest but Lanny didn't allow him the time. "Until we reach whatever planet you plan to leave me on. Let me show you that I can be a good wife."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He held her gaze as best he could, but neither Robb nor Jon had ever been capable of denying people things when they looked so earnest as they made their request. "Sure," he exhaled, "okay. But there will be no consummation. Alright? Boundaries need to be respected."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Lanny nodded. "Of course, husband. Thank you."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________________‘That wasn't a part of the plan,’ _Jon admitted to himself, fingers thread through the mess of raven curls on his head. _‘That wasn't supposed to happen.’ _Then again, getting slammed against the wall wasn't supposed to happen either, so he was clearly meant to have a bad day today.____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________His attacker revealing himself to be Beric, his eager new wife's devout elder brother, only proved his theory._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Today was a _shit _day for Jon Snow.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Beric wore the same grin he had worn that morning when they had decided to hate each other. There was an element of knowing to it, heavily framed with arrogance, and a somewhat sinister feel to it. A strange combination that would no doubt look too large and to false on his own pale face but seemed to fit Beric impeccably. Jon hated it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________"If you even think about doing something to my sister," he warned, "I'll cut your cock off, bastard. Do we have an understanding?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Jon clenched his jaw, glaring mercilessly at his opponent. Beric glanced down at his mouth. "Drop the pout. Do we have an understanding, or do I have to teach you?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________The Captain nodded once, begrudgingly, but Beric raised an eyebrow to ask again for a verbal confirmation. "We understand each other well enough." He spat out, gruffly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Beric allowed his smirk to widen, arrogance increasing tenfold, before sauntering back to wherever he came from._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________They may have just met, but Jon was certain of one thing: _he hated Beric with all his heart. _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the second half of this story planned out to a ridiculous point, but the first half is just I know what points need to be covered but idk how

**Author's Note:**

> No one asked for this throbb fic either, but I’ve got a folder full of throbb plots and I’m hoping to put a dent in it by posting some


End file.
